NC Advent Retreat: Refrain, Refine, Restore

Before I allow myself to do anything...check e-mails, blackboard grade (because finals are over), and get myself busy with unnecessary things, I feel like to really penetrate myself into this moment, I need to take a moment to blog about it. Similarly like any Confirmation II retreat, I never want to return to the busyness of life...but what can you say..it's life. Let's start off with Friday. Friday Morning: i woke up at 8:30am. I picked up Bao. We went to get McDonald's breakfast for Cha Lam and Lam. They were going to pick us up at my house at 9:30am. They did. Cha had to stay in town Friday to have dinner with the Cardinal. Michelle was flying in later Friday night. so it was me, Lam, and Bao. I was really tired. Our flight was at ..idr.. :/ but it was delayed..we ended up getting to NC around 6ish. had to hurry and set up. I was worried the materials for the balloon stomp icebreaker was not ready. ribbons were not cut nor were the puzzle pieces cut. so i hurried doing that as Bao got music ready. Then, somone (i later found out it was Chi's mom) asked me if i was tired and if i wanted an apple. so sweet of her. Then, her and a few others helped me. and we started the night off with the icebreaker. Lam shared the moral of the game. Then we did p&w. it was quite awkward. they were very talkative. a lot of them were younger and we didnt have full p&w until Michelle arrived. Then she did. Friday night went down terribly because it felt like we were rushing so badly because our flight was delayed. Then, when Michelle came, it was better but still kinda bad. it took so much manpower we didn't have.

Saturday: Cha arrives in the morning. We start off the morning with the straw tower activity and the holding your laughter game. Then, we went inside. Cha gave a talk. Then we had lunch. After lunch was the t-shirt icebreaker and the mask skit.  They all entered and we had p&w. Cha talked. After that, we slowed it down for them to write letters. He also had confession going on. Then we all switched into the church. Inside the church, we stalled time by discussing physical and internal insecurity. Then Cha had a talk. Then we had dinner. After dinner, we performed the numb skit and we separated parent and children talks. After was adoration, and chisel skit. We all went back to Anh Huy's house, and had pho. His wife is so precious and sweet. We had a discussion about death and the chaplain breaking the news to the family member of the deceased, and how to handle it. Lam shared with us the first miracle he ever witnessed.

It was really good being able to serve alongside with Bao and Michelle. Serving with Bao made me see the greatness within him and how much i appreciated him as my boyfriend.

Sunday: Sunday was a relaxed morning because we didn't plan anything until 2:30-4:30.  I woke up and we all went to the backyard to see the creek. Anh Huy's backyard is amazing. Michelle stayed inside with his wife making sushi. We all came back and helped her roll sushi. Then we went to church. WE had a slideshow powerpoint and discussed ways to build the community. then at 5, we had mass. mass was quite long. but i enjoyed it. I enjoyed sitting next to Anh Huy's kid, Lam. and Kevin, of course. They gave us the gift. Then we all went to Cha Manh Thu's House to eat dinner. I enjoyed it because i felt like i was a part of an adult conversation. We went to CVS after, bought candy and drinks. went home and watched Tree of Life on the projector. great way to end the night

Monday: we didn't have to leave until late. we went horseback riding. visit duke university chapel. ate at noodles and everything. then went to the airport. flight landed at 730. cha, bao, michelle and i ate at Rudys. then we got home at 10.



Highlight of the weekends:
being able to serve with my boyfriend, Bao.
being able to to be a part of this close-knit community
being away from the chaos of a city-life--work, family, school, friends
growing closer to Cha Lam and Lam
horseback riding
being able to serve
Kevin's conversion
the laughter...making fun of Cha's laugh, betting the Target gift card with Bao that Michelle's been to the house, watching a movie on the projector even though it was a terrible movie
talking to Chi and having hope that she'll be able to join in on other retreats
being away from the internet, social network, and the outside world
sleeping at Anh Huy's house is always so nice and relaxing
meeting Anh Binh, Chi's Parents,

October 1, 2011

A sudden overwhelming sadness often robs me of the joy and peace I feel from the blessings I have. Whether there is an underlying factors of worried and concerns for my family, my academics, or my relationship with friends, it consumes. It's consuming me right now. I am happy. I know I'm beyond happy with where I am at my life. I've transformed into someone I really like. I'm happy being with Bao. I love my family more than I can express. I don't know where this abundance of love is coming from, but I would do anything and everything for them to get to know what true love is-to know who you really are, Abba. I would be more than ready to do what you ask of me so that they can get to know you. I want them to know you... I want them to have you in their own lives. I love you so much, God. I don't know how I can live without you...& I wonder how my family is living their lives without you. They yearn for you. They have an unfailing desire and hunger that can only be satisfied through you, Abba. I fail a heavy rush of tears escaping the my tear ducts. I am sad that they don't know you. I am happy with knowing you. I am happy that you have provided so much peace, joy, and reassurance with each decision in my life. I still thirst for you very much. You have called me to be a catechist for Confirmation I. I am honored and humbled at this request of yours. I only hope that I can be maximized as an instrument of yours. There has been so much burdens on my hearts. I have an endless list of people and things to pray for. I pray for Amber. for kelsey. for Cynthia. For my mom and dad. Especially for Chris and Christina. I pray for CIW. I pray for unity amongst the church-a bond. I pray for the souls in purgatory. I pray for Di Tuyet. I pray for Thuy Van, Bac Ngoc, Bac Minh, Duc Thien, Alex, Bac Hong, Cau Tung, Cau Hung, Cau Man, Tommy, Lexie, Dustyn--all my younger cousins. I pray that they may ultimately learn the value of family and unity, the warmth of your love, the joy you provide.
I pray for a continued growth and transfomation in who I am...

Emptiness (7.8.11)

I'll probably blog about Katherine's birthday tomorrow. but i feel such a devastating emptiness and void.

Marcella (6.3.11)

I had dinner with Brandon Marcella last night at Kaneyama just as a confirmation/graduation gift. I went to adoration and then mass. He picked me up from Notre Dame; I left my car at church. He is now driving his beamerrr!(: it was nice, but I noticed he didn't seem as ecstatic about driving his new car. --which was a hint into the night of the longs talks we would have at dinner. Its amazing to look back and see how four years have changed me. Its amazing to see him start freshmen year and finally finishing just because I remember the freshmen kid he was entering the speech and debate camp during summer. He was late to start off with. Then, he wore extremely baggy jeans, and he sat next to me. I spent the next four years getting to know just like any other classmates. Considering the fact that he was a lower classmen, I really did not think my friendship with him would last as long as I did up until my first year into college. I really didn't think I would be able to connect with him on this level of understanding, but I do which makes me value him as a friend so much more. Its rare for me to find friends like him, hence why I don't have such a broad selection of friends-just acquantainces. I honestly don't remember much encounters with him during school. At first, he was just this goofy kid constantly cracking jokes and being what I thought was him-but that was the facade he wore at school. I think I began to see who he was at church-in the presence of Christ. I remember seeing him and Jeanne at the "God is Calling" retreat at Notre Dame in January 2009. It was his first year of confirmation, and Jeanne's second year. At the time, I thought they were dating. At that time, I still didn't really know him that well. We were still acquaintances. I did not see our friendship progressing to where it was. i don't know how or what it was that connected us. Friends like Minh-Anh and Augusta are the closest thing I call friends because they are the rare ones that can connect closest to my understanding and outlooks on life, but even that can't achieve it at great satisfaction. I often find it difficult to connect to people. Not that they are immature, but I feel like I have such a mature thinking that I feel that people would not be able to understand-not understand the things I go through, not understand the hunger and thirst that this world cant seem to satisfy, not understand my relationship with God, not understand a part of who I was...so this prevented me from truly having high school experiences with friends. What they saw as "fun" never gave me gratification. I wanted more than the party scene and drinking.

Just An Update (5.23.11)

Kelsey.. well I feel like ever since she started dating Michael, she's been a little distance. but it's really okay and understandable. Amber said she said she knows she's been distancing herself but she's gonna fix it. I took her home after LifeTeen mass yesterday. We stopped by Kim's Teahouse to get tapioca drink and popcorn chicken. I stopped by to play with Dustyn and Audrina. They kept showing me their new room. It's really cute. Dustyn and Audrina both have a bunk bed together. It's really cute. pictures in my phone. too bad, i don't know where my cord is to connect it.
Yesterday was the last day of Sunday school for the year of 2010-2011. .. very bittersweet. Once again, I've grown attach to the students. Well, I didn't quite grow attach to them last year or the previous year, but ever since I worked at UH Children Learning Center, I've been emotionally clinging onto children(Mariah and Chase) now the entire 8A class. Maybe it's because I know it's 8th grade and they're heading onto confirmation class. Well, whatever it is. I miss them already. I'm still contemplating on whether I will teach next year. I'm swaying on the "no" side, but this small part of me is telling me that I should teach next year. I just feel like I have so much to learn-that I'm not ready to teach student with the knowledge I have. I don't know.

...

So, I guess that was the end of me and Bao... I let him go. I left after the year of holding onto what we had.. How stupid could I be to let the guy I wanted to be with loose in a world full of girls who will be captivated by his charm... but, I knew it was only fair to let him go if I was not ready to be with him. He wanted to wait. He wanted to stay. I knew that would be too much hurt at the end if I were to never end up with him. He makes me his first priority, and I'm at a part of my life where I'm not ready to do the same. I guess that 3 year difference really mattered, because we are at two completely different stages of our lives. He's almost done with school. He's on a path of pursuing his career. I, on the other hand, just started school. I'm not ready to get into a relationship that is bound to get serious enough to consider marriage. I'm too scared for that right now... so maybe, there is a girl out there who is better compatible with him. I hope not. If so, I just hope she will love him wholeheartedly-as much as I knew I could love him.

Easter Party 2011

Today, Christ is Risen. As usual, the family had an egg hunt!(: Mo Lan prepared all the Easter Egg Hunt. Cynthia worked today :( I came over at 3pm and started making water balloons. Holly, Hanna, Caitlin, and Emily were all helping me. Oh they're getting so old. Emily is five. I think Holly and Hanna are around that age too. So I just wanted to make water balloons for them because yesterday when I watched Dustyn, we had a small water fight and he was sad it was over and asked if I could make more next time. So I felt like Easter was the perfect ocasion. Dustyn is so cute. He's getting big so fast. I can't believe how old they're getting. I remember when they were born yesterday! literally! Now he's five. wow! Kelsey came to the Easter party today :) Bac Ngoc and Bac Minh are still mad at the family :/ I hope and pray this get resolved soon. Cau Man and Tommy are starting up the liquor store.I hope that goes out well. Lee Ann and I talked about Natalie and Lexie, how she wished she finished school sooner, etc. Mo Tuyet talked about her sister's lifestyle in NY. It was good times. Kelsey and Amber were playing pokemon on Nintendo LOL. so old school but I remember the fun of it! Well Goodnight!

A Year Ago

I remember it was a year ago at about this time in the year of 2010. It was the suckiest year of them all. I hated it. I remember the pain I was holding onto and how I was unable to release it. I didn't know how. I couldn't. I honestly felt like that pain I felt was there to stay forever. I thought it was embedded into me-as if I was a stone carving. I felt like I would never pick myself up. I'm not exaggerating. Looking back, I always remember how far I've come from that point in my life.
It was you that hurt me. It was always you that hurt me. It was always that feeling of "not being good enough," the feeling of abandonment, the feeling of being forgotten, the feeling of not being special, the feeling of being replaced, the feeling of unloved. I put myself down a lot because of that. I held onto that darkness and never forgot it. I was upset at you on Cynthia and Amber's Confirmation. It was the day I sponsored Julia, and I didn't even enjoy it because I was constantly feeling the heartache of being pushed aside. I remember it so well because the pain , oh the pain, was no longer bearable. I would try to forget it. I would try to think of my greater purpose, but it was so difficult. I remember not being able to hold it any longer that I texted Bao. I constantly prayed in tongues to hold onto some sort of peace so I wouldn't feel distraught. Then, he came by and squatted right next to me and asked "What's wrong?" Then, we went into the office room and he talked to me. He encouraged me. I don't remember what he said, but I teared. Then, he gave me a hug. I was okay for a little while then that feeling of abandonment came back. I will never forget that moment. He was so sincere and dear. I appreciate it so much. That's the guy I see. That's who I see as Bao Loi. Since then, little did I know he was going to help me heal from the pain I was grasping onto. Thank you so much for reminding me I'm amazing.

Easter Sunday

currently listening: "You" by Hillsong United
5:34 a.m. yea, I'm up at this time trying to write my essay for Religious Studies. This is the time I start to meditate. Everyone's asleep. The house is extremely quiet. Cynthia is sleeping downstairs. I have the room to release my thoughts into the midst of the air.  Right now, it's a good kind of meditation. This song is perfect for the setting. Thanks for Pandora.
Well, today is Easter Sunday-oh the excitement! you've resurrected Jesus! oh the magnitude of your glory! It never diminishes. Your glory remains whether your people worship you or not! How beautiful is that. It's strange that I'm feeling this overwhelming blue I probably should have felt on Good Friday. It hit me that you have risen from the dead, and you are not here with us today  but preparing a place for us to be. I can imagine how your disciples felt. It's like "Jesus, don't leave. I still need you." That's how I feel. I felt like during this season of Lent, you were with me. You were next to me. You were aside me. You were there. but now...you're gone. You're risen. I shouldn't be sad. You've risen to redeem Your people! Thank You Abba.

B.Loi
He's still there, God. I don't mean to be distance myself away from him, but maybe just maybe, I still have this desire to join the convent. A while back, I felt like the thought of it was gone, but now it's back. but you know God, he's great. Looking back, I realized the immense healing I found. I don't know how I was able to let go and forgive when he entered my life, but I did. & I'm happy. I really am. Things are okay right now.  Oh! and he cut his hair today. short, clean, & spiffy. pretty handsome son of yours!

Love

Everybody seeks to be loved. That's all it is. From this day forth, I'm going to discover what love is. Its not an emotion. It's an action.

Gatherings

The Aftermath of the Retreat: I noticed God's calling me to Him. He misses me. He wants me to spend time with Him in adoration. So I went to adoration earlier. Today, it was outside at the hills. What a great setting. Oh how beautiful it was tonight. I love the sky late at night when a few clouds are still out and about. God speaks to me through nature. It felt good to be listening to Christian music as I dazed off into my own world in which it was just my God and me. Before heading out to the hills, I was praying inside the chapel alone. This week is Holy week. I didn't pray in tongues.  I sat in stillness and silence-everything I needed for the longest time, but I kept avoiding it. I got visions. I kept getting visions. I got a vision of Kelsey. I've been concerned about her-just the way Michaels been treating her, how badly she wants to go back to the retreat b/c she's not ready to face reality, how she's scared she is going to lose her spiritual high. I know she feels like she's not ready to face this world again, but I know she is. I know you're calling her to let go of everything she's been holding onto. I got a vision that there was this bright bright bright shining light. It was shining towards her. She placed her hands in front of her face and turned her back to shield the light away from her. She was standing in darkness. Compared to the dark, the light was way too bright to look at. The light represented you-God. Then, she finally slowly turned around and looked. Eventually, something drew her closer to her. She was fascinated by this light and was eager to draw nearer. You were standing in front of the light, and hugged her. You never let her go. She didn't want to let you go. She was clinging onto you. She found healing and restoration with you through this light. She was afraid to turn around toward the darkness which represented the world. She was afraid to face the world and wanted to stand in your presence the entire time. Then, you asked her if she was ready to go out together. You were walking with her the entire time as she walked off into the battles you knew she would have to face.-the light and walking away from it represented this retreat. Although, she's holding onto it tightly, not wanting to let go, you know she's ready to. Then, I thought and reminisced about my own retreat-how far I've come. I just felt so much peace sitting alone in silence. Later, I walked outside and continued to remain in that peace. It was wonderful. beyond beautiful. God, you are so BEAUTIFUl. oh how easy it is to forget that. I got so much epiphany. I'm still holding onto all these dear moments. I felt you talking to me. I wanted to stay on the hill because it felt like the middle of nowhere like Kickapoo Ranch-away from the city lights. I saw myself walking on that trail-I started off as little and with each step I grew older. Not only did I grow older, but I was closer to you as I got older. I saw that with each age, I did something great. I served you. i allowed you to use me as an instrument and you were proud of me. I still hold onto that feeling of not wanting to grow up, primarily because I was afraid to face the world. I kept getting the vision that I was a child clinging to Jesus' leg, hiding behind it, and Jesus kept turning saying, "why are you so scared? I'm here. You're not facing the world alone." I guess I'm scared of facing it alone. I'm scared of the world. I'm scared of what the world convinces me into believing-that I'm not good enough, that I'm a failure at school, that it will break me down, that I'm too reserved compare to others, that I won't succeed... I'm scared of believing all of that. Being away from the "city lights" didn't actually mean by actually lights from the city but being away from the world. Knowing that I was only in the presence of church people, nature, and especially above all, God. I'm scared of the world. I'm scared of facing it, but I know God is with me. He kept telling me that he had great plans for me with each year I grow older, and that He was ready for me to watch me grow from the little girl I was to the time I said "Yes" to Him on my Confirmation day-May 24, 2008. He was ready to use me-to use me to show love to everyone He needed to bring healing to. That made me feel better, knowing I had to grow up in order for HIS WAY to take place. 

Although, I'm afraid of growing up. I realized the one person that makes my fear seem so little is B. Loi. I don't know what it is that he does., but he makes me feel like I'm ready to face it. I don't know how or why. Maybe its his constant encouragement or support? or maybe its him believing in me. but he has always had this effect on me. Knowing he being there for me makes me feel like I'm not doing this alone. I know I've always had support from Katherine, but it's not the same. I can't explain it. With Katherine, I always felt like she was helping/assisting me fight my battle--that was her way of support. With Bao, I know I'm fighting my battle alone, but with him being there for me Something I want to do-something I want to conquer by myself.

God, you're so great. I am still in awe and fascination of you. <3

After It all Settles Down

The retreat is over. This overwhelming feeling of sadness overtakes me. I knew I would feel like this. I knew I would be sad at the end of it all which was why I wanted to prevent it by not attending the retreat at all. I don't know what it is. It wasn't that I'm emotionally attach to the students this year. That wasn't it. I hardly got any opportunity to talk to them. Was it the place itself? I was scared of the ranch. I was scared at night. It's not the place that creates the memory. Its the people. Indeed, a lot of great memories were created. Little did I know, I needed this retreat myself. I took away a lot from Cha Lam's talk. Seeing the students experience laying of hands and the monstrance with you truly present in the sacrament for the first time renewed my hope from the constant dryness of life. It revived me, and gave me a reason to go.-to serve, to love, to care. It reminded me that you truly are present. You're here. You are working in all of us-how easy could we forget that. So many students needed healing, and they were able to receive that healing through your love this weekend. It was all worth it-weeks of planning and meetings-for this one moment. I teared witnessing all of this. Leaving the camp site and going back home, seeing the highways, stores, cars, etc, reminded me that I didn't want to be in the city--that I wanted to go back to Kick-a-poo Ranch to be away. The stillness of no city life was what I attached myself to. Being away and surrounded around nothing but nature was what my heart craved for. No electronics. No social network. No work. No ordinary life. No routines., but fellowship and unity with others. Waking up together. Praising and worshiping together. Eating meals together. Showering together. Packing up together. Together.  I went home and checked Blackboard, FaceBook, Tumblr, Ymail, etc., and I remembered the load of unfinished work I left behind. Then, I remembered exactly why I didn't want to be back home. Not just yet. I have so much to do, and I feel the rush of stress. But I can't allow myself to because this retreat was too great to let the aftermath be ruined by what we call "life."

HisWay Retreat

I am now home from the Confirmation retreat-HisWay. Sometimes I wished I was able to write all this, but I know I will definitely have way too much to say. I always like to get all the detail. So Friday, April 15, 2011-I had work from 10-2pm. I got off early so we would be able to pack and leave to Kickapoo Ranch.I took a ride with Bao. He had a 9 o'clock class. He picked me up and dropped me off. He also got me a tuna subway sandwich b/c it was lent and I hadn't eaten. Honestly, I wasn't looking forward to it. I didn't know what sort of emotions I had but I just knew when I came back home, I would miss it. I would miss everything. I guess I wanted to avoid that even if it means not going. i don't know. It stimulates my memory and reminisces. I started to think about last year Confirmation Retreat with Cynthia & Amber. Joe, Dee, Kevin, Katherine, Viet, and a few other went that made the experience quite fun. I  was sad thinking about going back to that same place we were at a year ago. I'm going back to that destination again, but... this time, we don't have the whole shabang.  Then, I had an epiphany, its not the place that makes everything so wonderful, but its the spirit and energy from the group. It was the students and leaders that brought the vibe to the dull place which in turn created cherishable memories. So I did last minute packing. Nancy needed me to print out the reconcialation activity. Mimi needed me to print out petition. I hurried and Amber dropped me off at Church. I thought, I was late. I was expecting Mimi and Thu and a few others doing security and bag check, but it was only Linda, Ben, Tieumi, Mary, and Tony. i guess it felt a little wierd b/c I wasn't use to it being jsut them. We arrived, had dinner, p&w. The students were all blindfolded and had to find their group members. It was so hilarious b/c they were all on their hind knees, and shouting different HisWay sandwiches-Roast Beef,Tuna, etc.  The night ended off with a talk Cha gave about Mother Theresa and Pope John Paull II-how as they were children, they had different plans for themselves, but God had greater plans and now their on their way of becoming a saint etc.  The night ended with cabins, showers, leaders mtg, last minute preparation.

Saturday:

This retreat was quite different from the previous ones, primarily b/c of the schedule. We had opening P&W, Cha gave a talk about plans-the 5C's, we gathered in our group for discussion and did the candle decorating activity. Then, we had lunch. Afterwards, Cha gave another talk about the different road signs. We eliminated certain activity from the itinerary b/c of timing. The kids went outside for soccer football to wake them up. Then they returned and Mary Phan gave her talk which I missed b/c I had to practice the skit with Tony, Linda, Wayne, Ben, Phong, Kim P., Anthony, Michael, and Mary. They had quite a long discussion afterward that I made to in the middle of it. After, was one-on-one time. I got to talk to Tony Nguyen, Davin Vo, and Amy Nguyen. It was good being able to have some time set aside to talk to them b/c I felt like I didn't really get to know the students on a personal level this year. It was so weird how often I was able to relate to Davin-stress of school, taking life too seriously etc., Then, we had dinner. After dinner, we performed our skit which led into reconciliation activity and confession. I was in prayer group with Mollie and Michael. (I felt really out of it during prayer-like I shouldn't pray at all but I had to remind myself that I needed to humble myself and let God completely work through me-that it wasn't from me) After, I went inside and the students were already gathered together around the heart of candle and they were in meditation. Then we had mass for Palm Sunday. I was reading as narrator. Anthony was reading the bystanders voice. Cha was Jesus. It was weird b/c I sat in the front and Lam often asked me to help him-moving candles to the table after mass to prepare for adoration. Then, he called me up to eat like the remaining stack of bread which I felt so weird doing. b/c I thought you could only receive the Eucharist once a day, but Lam gave me a stack to eat at once. Then, Cha started adoration. He went around with the monstrance. Then, we had circle time and care packages passed out. After, the cake was brought out for Thao's and Justin's birthday. Julie, Vy, and I were praying for a few students on the side. Then the kids went to sleep. I stayed up to finish writing notes and had a "heart-to-heart" with Mars. Then slept at 4:30 am.

Sunday:

I woke up. packed. ate breakfast. Then went outside to help Ben and Linda with the water balloons. I really like them a lot. They're not like the others. They're so nice and welcoming. No clicks. No favors. No side groups. but willingly gives you the opportunity to know them.-nice and open. The kids did the relay which was so fun! it slip and side, bopping for apple, parting the red sea-sphagetti sauce, slingshot waterballoon, and sower and the seed-digging for letter chips, three board balance and making a crucifix and 4 row pyramid. then we cleaned up and went home.