...

So, I guess that was the end of me and Bao... I let him go. I left after the year of holding onto what we had.. How stupid could I be to let the guy I wanted to be with loose in a world full of girls who will be captivated by his charm... but, I knew it was only fair to let him go if I was not ready to be with him. He wanted to wait. He wanted to stay. I knew that would be too much hurt at the end if I were to never end up with him. He makes me his first priority, and I'm at a part of my life where I'm not ready to do the same. I guess that 3 year difference really mattered, because we are at two completely different stages of our lives. He's almost done with school. He's on a path of pursuing his career. I, on the other hand, just started school. I'm not ready to get into a relationship that is bound to get serious enough to consider marriage. I'm too scared for that right now... so maybe, there is a girl out there who is better compatible with him. I hope not. If so, I just hope she will love him wholeheartedly-as much as I knew I could love him.

Easter Party 2011

Today, Christ is Risen. As usual, the family had an egg hunt!(: Mo Lan prepared all the Easter Egg Hunt. Cynthia worked today :( I came over at 3pm and started making water balloons. Holly, Hanna, Caitlin, and Emily were all helping me. Oh they're getting so old. Emily is five. I think Holly and Hanna are around that age too. So I just wanted to make water balloons for them because yesterday when I watched Dustyn, we had a small water fight and he was sad it was over and asked if I could make more next time. So I felt like Easter was the perfect ocasion. Dustyn is so cute. He's getting big so fast. I can't believe how old they're getting. I remember when they were born yesterday! literally! Now he's five. wow! Kelsey came to the Easter party today :) Bac Ngoc and Bac Minh are still mad at the family :/ I hope and pray this get resolved soon. Cau Man and Tommy are starting up the liquor store.I hope that goes out well. Lee Ann and I talked about Natalie and Lexie, how she wished she finished school sooner, etc. Mo Tuyet talked about her sister's lifestyle in NY. It was good times. Kelsey and Amber were playing pokemon on Nintendo LOL. so old school but I remember the fun of it! Well Goodnight!

A Year Ago

I remember it was a year ago at about this time in the year of 2010. It was the suckiest year of them all. I hated it. I remember the pain I was holding onto and how I was unable to release it. I didn't know how. I couldn't. I honestly felt like that pain I felt was there to stay forever. I thought it was embedded into me-as if I was a stone carving. I felt like I would never pick myself up. I'm not exaggerating. Looking back, I always remember how far I've come from that point in my life.
It was you that hurt me. It was always you that hurt me. It was always that feeling of "not being good enough," the feeling of abandonment, the feeling of being forgotten, the feeling of not being special, the feeling of being replaced, the feeling of unloved. I put myself down a lot because of that. I held onto that darkness and never forgot it. I was upset at you on Cynthia and Amber's Confirmation. It was the day I sponsored Julia, and I didn't even enjoy it because I was constantly feeling the heartache of being pushed aside. I remember it so well because the pain , oh the pain, was no longer bearable. I would try to forget it. I would try to think of my greater purpose, but it was so difficult. I remember not being able to hold it any longer that I texted Bao. I constantly prayed in tongues to hold onto some sort of peace so I wouldn't feel distraught. Then, he came by and squatted right next to me and asked "What's wrong?" Then, we went into the office room and he talked to me. He encouraged me. I don't remember what he said, but I teared. Then, he gave me a hug. I was okay for a little while then that feeling of abandonment came back. I will never forget that moment. He was so sincere and dear. I appreciate it so much. That's the guy I see. That's who I see as Bao Loi. Since then, little did I know he was going to help me heal from the pain I was grasping onto. Thank you so much for reminding me I'm amazing.

Easter Sunday

currently listening: "You" by Hillsong United
5:34 a.m. yea, I'm up at this time trying to write my essay for Religious Studies. This is the time I start to meditate. Everyone's asleep. The house is extremely quiet. Cynthia is sleeping downstairs. I have the room to release my thoughts into the midst of the air.  Right now, it's a good kind of meditation. This song is perfect for the setting. Thanks for Pandora.
Well, today is Easter Sunday-oh the excitement! you've resurrected Jesus! oh the magnitude of your glory! It never diminishes. Your glory remains whether your people worship you or not! How beautiful is that. It's strange that I'm feeling this overwhelming blue I probably should have felt on Good Friday. It hit me that you have risen from the dead, and you are not here with us today  but preparing a place for us to be. I can imagine how your disciples felt. It's like "Jesus, don't leave. I still need you." That's how I feel. I felt like during this season of Lent, you were with me. You were next to me. You were aside me. You were there. but now...you're gone. You're risen. I shouldn't be sad. You've risen to redeem Your people! Thank You Abba.

B.Loi
He's still there, God. I don't mean to be distance myself away from him, but maybe just maybe, I still have this desire to join the convent. A while back, I felt like the thought of it was gone, but now it's back. but you know God, he's great. Looking back, I realized the immense healing I found. I don't know how I was able to let go and forgive when he entered my life, but I did. & I'm happy. I really am. Things are okay right now.  Oh! and he cut his hair today. short, clean, & spiffy. pretty handsome son of yours!

Love

Everybody seeks to be loved. That's all it is. From this day forth, I'm going to discover what love is. Its not an emotion. It's an action.

Gatherings

The Aftermath of the Retreat: I noticed God's calling me to Him. He misses me. He wants me to spend time with Him in adoration. So I went to adoration earlier. Today, it was outside at the hills. What a great setting. Oh how beautiful it was tonight. I love the sky late at night when a few clouds are still out and about. God speaks to me through nature. It felt good to be listening to Christian music as I dazed off into my own world in which it was just my God and me. Before heading out to the hills, I was praying inside the chapel alone. This week is Holy week. I didn't pray in tongues.  I sat in stillness and silence-everything I needed for the longest time, but I kept avoiding it. I got visions. I kept getting visions. I got a vision of Kelsey. I've been concerned about her-just the way Michaels been treating her, how badly she wants to go back to the retreat b/c she's not ready to face reality, how she's scared she is going to lose her spiritual high. I know she feels like she's not ready to face this world again, but I know she is. I know you're calling her to let go of everything she's been holding onto. I got a vision that there was this bright bright bright shining light. It was shining towards her. She placed her hands in front of her face and turned her back to shield the light away from her. She was standing in darkness. Compared to the dark, the light was way too bright to look at. The light represented you-God. Then, she finally slowly turned around and looked. Eventually, something drew her closer to her. She was fascinated by this light and was eager to draw nearer. You were standing in front of the light, and hugged her. You never let her go. She didn't want to let you go. She was clinging onto you. She found healing and restoration with you through this light. She was afraid to turn around toward the darkness which represented the world. She was afraid to face the world and wanted to stand in your presence the entire time. Then, you asked her if she was ready to go out together. You were walking with her the entire time as she walked off into the battles you knew she would have to face.-the light and walking away from it represented this retreat. Although, she's holding onto it tightly, not wanting to let go, you know she's ready to. Then, I thought and reminisced about my own retreat-how far I've come. I just felt so much peace sitting alone in silence. Later, I walked outside and continued to remain in that peace. It was wonderful. beyond beautiful. God, you are so BEAUTIFUl. oh how easy it is to forget that. I got so much epiphany. I'm still holding onto all these dear moments. I felt you talking to me. I wanted to stay on the hill because it felt like the middle of nowhere like Kickapoo Ranch-away from the city lights. I saw myself walking on that trail-I started off as little and with each step I grew older. Not only did I grow older, but I was closer to you as I got older. I saw that with each age, I did something great. I served you. i allowed you to use me as an instrument and you were proud of me. I still hold onto that feeling of not wanting to grow up, primarily because I was afraid to face the world. I kept getting the vision that I was a child clinging to Jesus' leg, hiding behind it, and Jesus kept turning saying, "why are you so scared? I'm here. You're not facing the world alone." I guess I'm scared of facing it alone. I'm scared of the world. I'm scared of what the world convinces me into believing-that I'm not good enough, that I'm a failure at school, that it will break me down, that I'm too reserved compare to others, that I won't succeed... I'm scared of believing all of that. Being away from the "city lights" didn't actually mean by actually lights from the city but being away from the world. Knowing that I was only in the presence of church people, nature, and especially above all, God. I'm scared of the world. I'm scared of facing it, but I know God is with me. He kept telling me that he had great plans for me with each year I grow older, and that He was ready for me to watch me grow from the little girl I was to the time I said "Yes" to Him on my Confirmation day-May 24, 2008. He was ready to use me-to use me to show love to everyone He needed to bring healing to. That made me feel better, knowing I had to grow up in order for HIS WAY to take place. 

Although, I'm afraid of growing up. I realized the one person that makes my fear seem so little is B. Loi. I don't know what it is that he does., but he makes me feel like I'm ready to face it. I don't know how or why. Maybe its his constant encouragement or support? or maybe its him believing in me. but he has always had this effect on me. Knowing he being there for me makes me feel like I'm not doing this alone. I know I've always had support from Katherine, but it's not the same. I can't explain it. With Katherine, I always felt like she was helping/assisting me fight my battle--that was her way of support. With Bao, I know I'm fighting my battle alone, but with him being there for me Something I want to do-something I want to conquer by myself.

God, you're so great. I am still in awe and fascination of you. <3

After It all Settles Down

The retreat is over. This overwhelming feeling of sadness overtakes me. I knew I would feel like this. I knew I would be sad at the end of it all which was why I wanted to prevent it by not attending the retreat at all. I don't know what it is. It wasn't that I'm emotionally attach to the students this year. That wasn't it. I hardly got any opportunity to talk to them. Was it the place itself? I was scared of the ranch. I was scared at night. It's not the place that creates the memory. Its the people. Indeed, a lot of great memories were created. Little did I know, I needed this retreat myself. I took away a lot from Cha Lam's talk. Seeing the students experience laying of hands and the monstrance with you truly present in the sacrament for the first time renewed my hope from the constant dryness of life. It revived me, and gave me a reason to go.-to serve, to love, to care. It reminded me that you truly are present. You're here. You are working in all of us-how easy could we forget that. So many students needed healing, and they were able to receive that healing through your love this weekend. It was all worth it-weeks of planning and meetings-for this one moment. I teared witnessing all of this. Leaving the camp site and going back home, seeing the highways, stores, cars, etc, reminded me that I didn't want to be in the city--that I wanted to go back to Kick-a-poo Ranch to be away. The stillness of no city life was what I attached myself to. Being away and surrounded around nothing but nature was what my heart craved for. No electronics. No social network. No work. No ordinary life. No routines., but fellowship and unity with others. Waking up together. Praising and worshiping together. Eating meals together. Showering together. Packing up together. Together.  I went home and checked Blackboard, FaceBook, Tumblr, Ymail, etc., and I remembered the load of unfinished work I left behind. Then, I remembered exactly why I didn't want to be back home. Not just yet. I have so much to do, and I feel the rush of stress. But I can't allow myself to because this retreat was too great to let the aftermath be ruined by what we call "life."