The Aftermath of the Retreat: I noticed God's calling me to Him. He misses me. He wants me to spend time with Him in adoration. So I went to adoration earlier. Today, it was outside at the hills. What a great setting. Oh how beautiful it was tonight. I love the sky late at night when a few clouds are still out and about. God speaks to me through nature. It felt good to be listening to Christian music as I dazed off into my own world in which it was just my God and me. Before heading out to the hills, I was praying inside the chapel alone. This week is Holy week. I didn't pray in tongues. I sat in stillness and silence-everything I needed for the longest time, but I kept avoiding it. I got visions. I kept getting visions. I got a vision of Kelsey. I've been concerned about her-just the way Michaels been treating her, how badly she wants to go back to the retreat b/c she's not ready to face reality, how she's scared she is going to lose her spiritual high. I know she feels like she's not ready to face this world again, but I know she is. I know you're calling her to let go of everything she's been holding onto. I got a vision that there was this bright bright bright shining light. It was shining towards her. She placed her hands in front of her face and turned her back to shield the light away from her. She was standing in darkness. Compared to the dark, the light was way too bright to look at. The light represented you-God. Then, she finally slowly turned around and looked. Eventually, something drew her closer to her. She was fascinated by this light and was eager to draw nearer. You were standing in front of the light, and hugged her. You never let her go. She didn't want to let you go. She was clinging onto you. She found healing and restoration with you through this light. She was afraid to turn around toward the darkness which represented the world. She was afraid to face the world and wanted to stand in your presence the entire time. Then, you asked her if she was ready to go out together. You were walking with her the entire time as she walked off into the battles you knew she would have to face.-the light and walking away from it represented this retreat. Although, she's holding onto it tightly, not wanting to let go, you know she's ready to. Then, I thought and reminisced about my own retreat-how far I've come. I just felt so much peace sitting alone in silence. Later, I walked outside and continued to remain in that peace. It was wonderful. beyond beautiful. God, you are so BEAUTIFUl. oh how easy it is to forget that. I got so much epiphany. I'm still holding onto all these dear moments. I felt you talking to me. I wanted to stay on the hill because it felt like the middle of nowhere like Kickapoo Ranch-away from the city lights. I saw myself walking on that trail-I started off as little and with each step I grew older. Not only did I grow older, but I was closer to you as I got older. I saw that with each age, I did something great. I served you. i allowed you to use me as an instrument and you were proud of me. I still hold onto that feeling of not wanting to grow up, primarily because I was afraid to face the world. I kept getting the vision that I was a child clinging to Jesus' leg, hiding behind it, and Jesus kept turning saying, "why are you so scared? I'm here. You're not facing the world alone." I guess I'm scared of facing it alone. I'm scared of the world. I'm scared of what the world convinces me into believing-that I'm not good enough, that I'm a failure at school, that it will break me down, that I'm too reserved compare to others, that I won't succeed... I'm scared of believing all of that. Being away from the "city lights" didn't actually mean by actually lights from the city but being away from the world. Knowing that I was only in the presence of church people, nature, and especially above all, God. I'm scared of the world. I'm scared of facing it, but I know God is with me. He kept telling me that he had great plans for me with each year I grow older, and that He was ready for me to watch me grow from the little girl I was to the time I said "Yes" to Him on my Confirmation day-May 24, 2008. He was ready to use me-to use me to show love to everyone He needed to bring healing to. That made me feel better, knowing I had to grow up in order for HIS WAY to take place.
Although, I'm afraid of growing up. I realized the one person that makes my fear seem so little is B. Loi. I don't know what it is that he does., but he makes me feel like I'm ready to face it. I don't know how or why. Maybe its his constant encouragement or support? or maybe its him believing in me. but he has always had this effect on me. Knowing he being there for me makes me feel like I'm not doing this alone. I know I've always had support from Katherine, but it's not the same. I can't explain it. With Katherine, I always felt like she was helping/assisting me fight my battle--that was her way of support. With Bao, I know I'm fighting my battle alone, but with him being there for me Something I want to do-something I want to conquer by myself.
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